I have always had the ability to understand things quickly and learn rapidly. School was easy and still is as of now. Growing up I was a good student. I was top of the class for 8 years straight, scoring high test results and having academic success. I even skipped a class since it was so easy (the 7th grade). I had to work maybe 30 min a day on homework, rarely more. While some of my classmates studied way more than me but performed worse. I didn’t understand.

I say this not to brag, but to set the context.

By all academic standards I was a top performing student. Exemplary. A teachers dream, I often heard. Everybody found it was amazing. Many people wish they had my abilities.

The only problem: I don’t give a shit about academic achievements and am not satisfied. I found and still find it meaningless. I passed by baccalaureate with 18,71/20 (4.7 GPA). To me that was a number that didn’t mean anything. Heck, I was a bit disappointed because I didn’t get 19/20. Then on top of that, when you see that everyone around you is struggling while you have it relatively easy, you think something is wrong with you. It starts toying with you head.

I went through school without any real challenges. Everything I attempted schoolwise was always easy and the good grades came in without much effort.

I passed the medical school entry exam in France, quite easily too. I had to work a lot more, but I still performed well, working at most five hours a day in addition to the four hours of courses per day during the week.

I learned to make of game of figuring out how to get the highest grades with the least amount of work. That was my way of not getting bored. Once you’ve done that for a while, though,  it gets boring. You don’t see the point any longer.

So now this year, my second year, I pull off the same thing. Minimal work, just enough to pass. But it gets annoying to not exploit your capabilities. It feels like I’m at the verge of sabotaging my work to make it more interesting. That, I know isn’t a good idea. I literally spent a couple weeks not working more than an hour a day or not working at all, just to see what would happen, watching movies all day. It turns out staying cooped up all day has some negative social consequences.

The psychological state you get in when you aren’t challenged can get pretty bad.

It feels as if every door is opened to you, you never have to do anything, and you secretly wish someone would slam the door in your face for once, just so you could experience what it’s like.

You wish it were harder so you would have to work some more, and not be so bored all the time. Up ’til med school I compensated this with sport: I rowed. This was a great way to fill up my time in a meaningful way. Then I stoped. That was bad. Psychologically, it was bad, it still is right now.

I understand that people who aren’t “gifted”, in the sense where you learn stuff easily and understand things quickly, wish they could have it easier. Wouldn’t it be great if I had to work less to get this. But the irony is that those who have it easy think the opposite. Wouldn’t it be great if I had to work more, if I actually had to struggle to achieve something.

I find myself it the “gifted” category. I want it to be more difficult. I can actually sabotage myself to put myself into difficult situations, just to work more to get out of that situation. I understand how crazy this sounds, but it’s what happens. It is destructive to not exploit your potential. Right now I’m struggling with this. How do I get to exploit what I’m good at? Then, when you want to talk about it with friends, how do you talk to the person who wishes he had your abilities and explain you find everything dull and boring and easy?