Recently I had a conversation with a friend with 20 years more life experience than me. He remarked that, boys (me included) tend not to speak to girls, and vice versa. And that we were missing out on amazing people and opportunities to connect and develop relationships. I asked him how he behaved at 20 years of age and he admitted that he used to do the same thing. This underlines the fact that young people tend to suck at relationships.

This remark sparked a very interesting conversation. Here are some of the key ideas we discussed as well as some of my thoughts.

A couple basic observations:

• Boys and girls tend to not speak to one another that much.
• The best conversations you have tend to be with people much older than you or much younger.
• Gay people talk to a lot of girls and tend to have more interesting conversations.
• It’s easier to speak to someone you don’t have sexual interest for than to speak to someone you have sexual interest for.
• Most people want to feel connected.
• Most conversations you have tend to be superficial and unfulfilling.

Why does this happen?

Sex, An Impediment To Connection ?

What is common between a gay person that speaks with many women, an old man who speaks with young girls and a married man speaking with women?

Well, in all these interactions sex is off the table.

The gay person by definition doesn’t have sex with women. Young people aren’t generally sexually attracted to older people. Married people, or at least those that are monogamous, only have sex with there spouse.

What this enables is to move past sex and have more interesting conversations because each person isn’t concerned with how s/he is coming off to the other and then start to talk about stuff they actually want to talk about. They are both seeking connection but not the sexual kind because it is not possible. They don’t risk scaring off their “only” opportunity to have sex. Now this is obviously not true but in the moment it can feel like it. Evolutionarily speaking it was advantageous to worry about how others perceived you because there were only so many women in your community with whom you could reproduce with. So your brain makes you feel as if it were a life or death situation, where you have to be “perfect” or else your genes won’t survive. Whether or not it is true the brain doesn’t care.

Why do we have so many superficially unfulfilling conversations?

I’d argue that most people hate superficial conversations and that most want deep meaningful ones, but that most people think that not everyone wants that kind of connection. When you think about it, not many people like to speak about the weather, but almost everyone ends up speaking about the weather? Why is that? Well for sure it’s not that they want to speak about the weather. They want to connect. They want to have a conversation. Everyone craves connection. That’s why we love it so much when we finally meet someone with whom things just click and we can speak about anything with them.

Another key element is that a conversation is two sided. You need a minimum two people to have a conversation. Otherwise it’s called a monologue. It’s not all about you. You need another person. If that person isn’t open to conversing then there is no conversation. Some people want to be left alone, simply aren’t in the mood or have other more pressing problems to deal with than speaking with you.

Another impediment to fulfilling conversations is that we care too much what other people think. We end up not broaching subjects that really interest us for fear of how the other might react or perceive us. This is quite sad because most of the time this is exactly what the other person is dying for us to do.

We are bad conversationalists. Nobody ever taught us, this is how to have a healthy conversation.

We don’t listen. We’re always obsessed with how interesting our own ideas are that we never take the time to listen to what the other person is saying. Often we’re thinking of our own smart remark that we can’t wait to say once the other person finally shuts up. More often we just interrupt them to say what we want to say, because we can’t wait that long. We end up speaking to each other rather than with each other. It can actually be quite entertaining to watch people do this.

Can’t you just jump into a deep conversation?

No. You can’t. Unless you already have a great relationship with the person you are talking to, and even then you have to build up to it.

What would you do if a stranger asked you a really deep question out of the blue? Most likely you’d think they were weird and continue doing what you were doing, I mean who do they think they are interrupting you like that.

There is no short cut to small talk. As Benjamin Disraeli says “there is a certain acquaintance with trifling but amusing subjects which must be first attained”.

But once the talk is started you also must to be willing to say something interesting, dare to say something different or ask an unusually penetrating question.

What can we do about it?

Educate yourself about conversations. Learn from the best. Read books. Do the work.

Men need to realise that sexual desire isn’t something you get rid of. It’s something you move past. It’s an age old problem. 2000 years ago the stoics had some advice on this topic:

Marcus Aurelius has a specific quote that I like to revisit from time to time:

Start praying like this and you’ll see.
Not “some way to sleep with her” — but a way to stop wanting to.
Not “some way to get rid of him” — but a way to stop trying.
Not “some way to save my child” — but a way to lose your fear.
Redirect your prayers like that, and watch what happens.

Accept that you’ll feel desire and attraction and learn to move past that. Don’t get stuck in superficial appearances and perceptions. Instead move past them. To do that you can imagine the other person as unattractive. Something that also helps, is getting in the habit of seeing things for what they are. Don’t get all obsessed over sex, see it for what it really is. A rubbing of genitals, a slight seizure, a spurt of semen.

Realise connection is what you want and that sex is not necessarily the only way to get it.

David Deida has some thoughts on the leveraging of sexual desire: “allow women’s sexiness to help you discover and give your gift, rather than beguile you into cycles of stimulation and depletion”. Let the energy a woman give you fill you up and give expression to your gifts.

Realise you don’t need to be perfect. This is something that is really important. Realise anything you do can’t be perfect. You can always do your best though, and that should suffice.

Learn to listen. Don’t think of your smart, witty answer you can’t wait to blab out. Listen. Then if it is needed respond.

Realise that if you don’t interact with the opposite sex you’re literally missing out on half of the people in the world and a fantastic opportunity for growth.

Move from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality. Realise every interaction is an opportunity to practice being your best self and developing your communication and relationship skills. Also remember that there are as they say “many fish in the sea”. Or that “there is an other bus every 15 minutes”.

Additionally, pay attention to Benjamin Disraeli’s advice on relationships and seduction that encompasses several of the aforementioned ideas. Disraeli was a man who mastered communication:

Do not talk too much at present; do not try to talk. But whenever you speak, speak with self-possession. Speak in a subdued tone, and always look at the person whom you are addressing. Before one can engage in general conversation with any effect, there is a certain acquaintance with trifling but amusing subjects which must be first attained. You will soon pick up sufficient by listening and observing. Never argue. In society nothing must be discussed; give only results. If any person differ from you, bow and turn the conversation. In society never think; always be on the watch, or you will miss many opportunities and say many disagreeable things. Talk to women, talk to women as much as you can. This is the best school. This is the way to gain fluency, because you need not care what you say, and had better not be sensible. They, too, will rally you on many points and as they are women you will not be offended. Nothing is of so much importance and of so much use to a young man entering life as to be well criticised by women.

—ANDRÉ MAUROIS, DISRAELI, TRANSLATED BY HAMISH MILES